It is almost 2am and I have been up for 24 hours. I woke up yesterday morning at two and was not able to go back to sleep and here I am 24 hours later wanting to fall asleep. I rarely can turn my mind off even in the quiet moments at night when my room is dark and I am desperate for sleep, my brain is still on. Typically I am making a checklist of what needs to be done the next day or reminding myself of deadlines. But tonight I am simply reminding myself what I know to be true.
I know that Christ has died for my sins, I know He is making all things new. I know that He is my hope and His love is unconditional. I know that my worth is in Him, I know that His plans for my life exceed my expectations. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know I am redeemed, forgiven, valued.
But catch me in a weak moment, I have suddenly forgotten who I am and more importantly, who God is. I get defensive, I justify actions, I downplay sin or actions that could lead to sin. I allow Satan to take a insecurity and run with his turning me into a hot mess of a person.
There are days that I know the Gospel truth but forget that I still need to grow in truly knowing the Gospel and allowing it to transform my heart. There are days that I need to be reminded that Who God says He is truest thing about Him and what He says about me is the truest thing about me. My issue is not in knowing the truth, the issue is in the quiet areas of my heart where I replace the Lord with an idol because somewhere along the way I was fed with the lie that is was Jesus plus something (fill in the blank) is what I need to be happy. Knowledge is not belief and sometimes, I get that so mixed up.
Anything with all I want with all my heart is an idol. Anything I can’t stop thinking of is an idol”-Jimmy Needham, Clear the Stage
Those words have been echoing in my heart over the past few days. When I think about idols, I think about the golden calf in the Old testament. How crazy to think that after the Israelites saw the faithfulness and goodness of the Lord they decided that is was better to create their own god to worship. They wanted a sense of control so they went to something tangle. Silly people.
Oh wait. That’s us. That’s definitely me.
We have these idols we worship, whether we admit it or not. Things we run to gain control. The places my mind goes to when I am not focusing on truth and who Godsays I am. The things I think will provide complete happiness if I could just have it or accomplish it or buy it or experience it. The things I desire so strongly that if I am not careful, will replace the Lord.
I started praying that the Lord would show me the idols in my life this week. I asked Him to bring to light what quiet areas of my heart need redemption. I asked Him to show me what my next step was in my relationship with Him. I asked Him to crush my idols. He made me so aware of multiple areas in my life that I need abolished. Areas that I am putting a false hope on whether I knew it or not. I found my self identifying with Paul so strongly in Romans 7 about doing the things he knows he shouldn’t do and not being able to what he should.
I found myself frustrated and weary. But then, through all of this, the quiet whisper of the Lord kept saying to just breathe. Breathe in His love and faithfulness. Breathe in the Gospel, approval and acceptance. Breathe out fears, failures, and frantically grasping for control. Breathe out the lies that I am being fed. Breathe in His grace, forgiveness, and redemption.
It said to be present and ready to hear His voice. His whisper reminded I am not a number on a scale, I am not defined by where I am in my life, I am not more valued because of my marital or financial status, or what I have done and accomplished. I am not who others think I am. But I am His. I am a sinner who is loved unconditionally who needs the Gospel truth so fiercely day by day. He is making me aware of the idols I cling to with a clinched and slowing transforming my heart and opening my hand to lay it down on the alter. He is enough. Nothing else is worthy of my worship.