Getting Back to Me

I prefer big cities or mountains for vacation. I could wander around places like New York City or Chicago for hours with no agenda letting my heart (and stomach) be my guide. I could hike trails and sit at the top of a mountain in a hammock in silence for days. Even in all of this, I somehow I have ended up at the beach twice in the past 3 months and haven’t been to NYC in more years than I care to admit (sidenote: taking donations now for a trip to NYC because this girl needs some incredible food and a Broadway show asap). 

There is something so beautiful about the beach and it isn’t the beach itself because sand is actually quite annoying. The salt waters are healing to me. It allows me to slow down and breath in the ocean air. I can’t be anxious or impatient sitting and watching the waves. I can’t house bitterness or jealousy in my heart when I sit there and stare at the endless possibility the ocean offers. It helps me get back to me when at times I don’t act like who I truly am.

I have let myself go.  I don’t mean this in the I’ve lost complete control of my life, although my life kind of seems a little off kilter. There is this undeniable stirring in my heart right now and it has been growing in vast amounts for about a three months. I am longing for something more. So much more. I want adventures, I want to write, I want to cook, I want to build. I want to travel. I want to teach.  I want to serve and thrive in ministry. I want to try new things. I want to feel alive. I want raw vulnerability with my home team. I want real. 

In the last weeks leading up to the end of the school year, I entered a season of unrest. I say this to mean that I started to longing for something that I couldn’t place my finger on. About two weeks ago, I spent some time alone on a charter bus that was heading to Dallas. Some of my most profound moments in my faith are on buses, trains, or boats. I had a stack of books to my left and my computer on my right and 8 hours of open road.  Somewhere between Dallas and Branson I found the Lord in a way that I haven’t previous found Him. I could state specifics of how the Lord revealed Himself to me but I choose to store that moment in my heart. 

Here’s what I can say; there is a season for being settled, there are seasons of change.  I am in neither. 

I am in a season of becoming. I am in a season where I feel like I am on the verge of seeing the Lord’s faithfulness in entirely new ways, in immeasurably more ways than I could have ever dreamed.  And because of this, I have never identified with Daniel more than I do now. 

In Daniel 10, Daniel had been living a life devoted to the Lord. He had done some difficult things and experienced the Lord’s faithfulness and he thought his job was done. The men he had been doing life with left and he was called to simply stay put. He went through a few weeks of depression and refused to eat. It doesn’t say this in scripture but I’m going to assume that he left abandoned, confused, lonely, and stuck. I’m also going to assume that he felt like everyone we moving on in life and he was being left behind.  Which are all feelings I have had before. But what I love about this is that only a few verses later, the Lord literally shows His face to Daniel. He reminds Daniel of who he is in Him and who He is.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that that moment made it all worth it.

I want that moment. In my season of becoming, I’m expectantly waiting to see the Lord’s face in a way I can’t even comprehend right now. I’m ready for immeasurably more. I have been so focused on pouring out, that like Daniel, when things shifted in my life I was so defeated. When I was called to stay, I panicked, much like our friend. I had to transition unexpectedly and wait. It took who I am. I wasn’t me. I was only showing parts of me. I was in survival mode.

Even though I thrive in big cities and mountain ranges, I need moments of peace of staring at the ocean to get back to me, all of me. And in the recents months, it is what I needed to know how far I have gone away from me. I need to be doing things that give me life. So I stepping out for a while. I’m fighting guilt and taking a breath of air to recharge for me.

40 days.
40 days of rest.
40 days of surrender.
40 days of doing things that make give me life.
40 days of saying no to things so I can say yes to things.
40 days of deciding of what kind of adventure I want to live.

I’m ready to get back to me.

I’m very ready to see the face of the Lord and what’s around the corner.

I’m also ready to go to New York City.

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