I have been a bridesmaid 9 times.
I have caught the bouquet 11 times.
I have been part of the house party of a wedding 22 times.
I have been a personal attendant 3 times.
I have hosted and attended my fair share of bridal showers.
I have a roommate who is engaged.
And I have been single for approximately my entire life.
Each time a friend gets engaged, I grieve a little because I know our relationship is about to change. I know things will be different but still good. Each time I feel left behind for a moment as everyone around me is moving on while I am standing still feeling like I am the last one picked for the team.
I would love to be married. I would love to have what I thought I would have at 27. The conflict between what I want and the perception of what I have creates pain at times.
There is a specific pain in singleness. It’s hard, in ways I can hardly explain. And through conversations with a few dear friends, I know I am not alone in the pain of singleness. Sometimes doing this life alone is hard. Sometimes doing this life alone is sweet. It’s the truest example I have encountered about having a bittersweet season. At times, I feel forgotten. At times, I fight insecurity. At times, I question the Lord’s plan. But then I remember, my worth is based on Christ. I remember that my hope is built on Christ’s blood and righteousness. I remember the Lord’s sovereignty. I remember the people in my life who have adopted me as family when mine is hours away. I remember and cherish Romans 8…”this is all happening for my good and God’s glory.”
Marriage has never been the end all be all for me. I desire it, but only if it is for God’s glory.
I would love to not feel like I am missing out on desires I have at times. This season of singleness has taught me that I don’t want my dreams. I do, but I really don’t. I want Jesus. My heart needs Jesus and His unconditional, unfailing, incomparable love. His love is the hope I cling too. I want Him to cover my heart in grace. I want Him to remind me who I am in moments of doubt, comparison, and insecurity. I want him to to be my affirmation. I want my insecurity and struggles on the earth to drive me to cling to the Cross because it is the only place where my broken soul can be healed.
I will waste this pain if I don’t use it as part of my testimony. I have tasted the Lord’s goodness and I would give up anything if it meant I could taste more and see that the Lord is good, because ultimately, that is the dream I want. I have said it before, but every season is for our sanctification and this one may be the one that changes my heart to be more like Christ. Jesus walked in singleness, He was rejected and He was tempted but never broke. He went to the Father, and He knew the greater joy that was ahead and rested on that, no matter what He had to endure.
So what do I do now?
I keep moving forward.
I keep pursuing the Lord with reckless abandonment.
I find my fulfillment in Him and Him alone.
I plug in and find people who will push me to the cross.
I hang out with families.
I fight for the marriages around me.
I do not isolate myself because of my relationship status.
I turn my eyes outward and look where I can serve.
I draw near and continue to pray for sanctification.